Wednesday, August 10, 2005

break down

I realized this morning that I didn’t care about you anymore. I. Just. Don’t. Care.

Okay, I lie. I do care. I care so much that I feel like I want to throw myself under a train. Under a bus. Anything to dull the pain that's been chewing at the edges of my soul since you threw my feelings, my heart away, like you would an empty Snickers wrapper. A hotdog foil. A pair of cheap chopsticks. The freshness seal on a yogurt container.

I pace. I wait. Nothing.

It doesn’t matter that I blocked you; there are ways that you should find me. I try to keep myself occupied. Work on a project, cook dinner, search for split ends in my hair. What I'm really looking for is a whole answer.

How could you misconstrue my genuine feelings for something else? I’m so confused. Hurt. Angry. Horny. Man, I need to get laid. How am I supposed to go to RokBar by myself? Who am I supposed to take home for Cara’s wedding next week?

I slip quietly to the floor, sobbing. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday; really, it was only just over an hour ago. The Conversation. It feels like it was an eternity ago.

(11:34:08) sethalexander: Can I ask you something?
(11:34:21) annabethgoldstein: Sure.
(11:34:33) sethalexander: Why do you have to be so needy all the time?
(11:34:52) sethalexander: I mean, I'm not trying to be a dick...
(11:34:53) annabethgoldstein: What? I don't understand.
(11:35:01) sethalexander: It's like - every five seconds you're IM'ing me.
(11:35:07) annabethgoldstein: but...
(11:35:15) sethalexander: I mean, wait 5 MINUTES at least.
(11:35:23) sethalexander: I can't get a thing done over here. Maybe
(11:35:25) annabethgoldstein: I just want to see what you're doing, how you’re doing. You know? I miss you.
(11:35:35) sethalexander: You can hold all your questions, and then write them down...
(11:35:37) sethalexander: then send me an e-mail at the end of the day?
(11:35:52) sethalexander: I'm just saying -- if I don't get stuff done here, I don't get paid
(11:35:58) sethalexander: And that affects you, ya know?
(11:36:09) sethalexander: Cause then I can't take you out where you "have to go to be seen."
(11:36:20) annabethgoldstein: but...
(11:36:26) sethalexander: But, but, but, but, but...
(11:36:27) annabethgoldstein: wow. I don't know what to say.
(11:36:28) sethalexander: Say SOMETHING.
(11:36:41) annabethgoldstein: I am floored.
(11:36:43) sethalexander: Look, do you get where I'm coming from?
(11:36:49) sethalexander: I're smothering me.
(11:36:52) sethalexander: And you're not even NEXT TO ME.
(11:37:16) annabethgoldstein: You call it smothering. I call it loving.
(11:37:21) annabethgoldstein: I CARE about you.
(11:37:23) sethalexander: Jesus.
(11:37:25) annabethgoldstein: Don't you get that?
(11:37:29) sethalexander: YES.
(11:37:36) sethalexander: I'm being clobbered over the HEAD with that.
(11:37:48) annabethgoldstein: So what are you trying to say, then?
(11:37:51) sethalexander: Look...
(11:38:02) sethalexander: How do I put this...
(11:38:07) sethalexander: Um.
(11:38:17) annabethgoldstein: what? SPEAK.
(11:38:18) sethalexander: Here, I have a great idea.
(11:38:19) sethalexander: Seriously.
(11:38:26) sethalexander: Let's just try something for fun here
(11:38:30) annabethgoldstein: Something fun? I love fun things.

11:38:33) sethalexander: Why don't you pretend I don't exist for a few days...
(11:38:45) sethalexander: Prove to yourself you don't NEED me 24/7.

11:38:52) annabethgoldstein: That doesn't sound fun. That sounds like you're breaking up.
(11:39:11) annabethgoldstein: I DON'T NEED YOU.
(11:39:13) annabethgoldstein: YOU need ME.
(11:39:24) annabethgoldstein: You'll REALISE that when I'm not around anymore.
(11:39:26) sethalexander: That's the biggest piece of bullshit I've heard all week.
(11:39:40) sethalexander: I need you like I need a bullet to the head.
(11:39:40) annabethgoldstein: I guess we're done here, then.
(11:39:49) sethalexander: Haha, yeah. Whatever.
(11:40:02) sethalexander: You'll be back.
(11:40:09) sethalexander: In 35 seconds.
(11:40:44) annabethgoldstein: I've been thinking, and this really isn't working out between us. I don’t think this is healthy, and I don’t think you appreciate how much I care about you.
I'm blocking you now.

I hit block. Prompted, "Are you sure?". Deep breath.

Yes. No. Block. Shiite.

I looked down; there was dog crap on the floor, floating in a pool of tears. I felt like I was the one floating. Lost, drifting in endless worry. I wondered, half-bitterly... is this how my life will always be? Crying while I clean up Calvin's poop? At least his crap is small, the size of doughnut holes. I can scoop it up, toss it neatly, spray Febreze and it's gone. Your crap is smeared all over this place, foul brown words on my white satin sheets. No amount of paper towels will fix the mess you left.

I just want to feel fresh and clean and loved again. I want things the way they were before it all started to stink. Before I blocked you. We'd only been together two weeks; it's too early for this to end.