Sunday, August 28, 2005

all about steph: 100 things (so far)

1. I uttered my first word when I was only six months old. The word? "Me."
2. My twin sister Annie has been my best friend ever since we bonded our way through four summers of fat camp.
3. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than spilling the intimate details of my life all over this blog, and knowing that you love me for it.
4. My former best friend's second cousin's college roommate went to high school with Meg Ryan, whom I adore. She (the roommate) sent me a photocopy of her yearbook page with Meggy's signature on it. I keep it on my fridge.
5. Any man who pays for our first date will probably be in bed with me on the second... as long as he pays for the lube, too.
6. I am the best cook I know.
7. I believe a girl's nailpolish shade says a lot about her. I'm currently wearing OPI nailpolish in "SoHo Nice To Meet You", from the New York City collection, because it reflects my cosmopolitan allure and sophistication.
8. I love making lists.
9. I had my first sexual experience at age nine, but I didn't actually lose my viriginity until age fifteen. His name was Lance Worthington III - those WASPy names get me every time - but he didn't live up to it. He wasn't worthy of my flower.
10. I love spending rainy days curled on my ottoman with Calvin at my feet, watching great chick flicks like Uptown Girls and thinking about how much prettier I am than Brittany Murphy.
11. I'm not just needy, I'm needed. I love knowing that without my calm guidance and sympathy, someone might drown in depression. That knowledge keeps me warm and safe from those jealous haters who don't really get me.
12. I don't know where Illinois, Colorado, or Mexico is on the U.S. map.
13. I own six different Hermes scarves, all equally gorgeous.
14. The only thing more irritating than talking to a JAP is being mistaken for one, just because people don't recognize my fresh, original personality and unique talent.
15. I'm excellent at my job (I work at a large marketing firm) but my real passion has always been writing. I love words: playing with them, rolling them around my tongue, inventing them. Every time I write a truly brilliant post - okay, all my posts are brilliant - I print it out and keep it under my pillow. Later, I masturbate to my own words; they turn me on.
16. I'm used to getting compliments from total strangers, usually about my gorgeous - and natural! - titian curls.
17. In college, I was the only girl not picked to join a sorority. I was devastated at the time, but now I realize they hated me because I had such perfect hair.
18. I love anything cashmere.
19. Charlie O'Connell (Jerry O'Connell's younger brother; the one from The Bachelor) hit on me at a gallery opening last spring. He was sneaking glances at me the whole night, until he finally summoned the courage to walk halfway across the room, just to ask me stop taking pictures of him and his snotty girlfriend. If she hadn't been there, he would have kissed me.
20. Sounds I love: the soft click of a camera shutter, the rhythm of Jimmy Choo stilettos on pavement, catcalls directed at me because I look so hot, my voice.
21. Smells I love: swiss and parmesan fondue, bedsheets after sex, my freshly washed hair.
22. I'm good at writing, photography, cooking, singing, giving head, talking about myself, reading magazines, shopping, applying mascara, self-promotion and shaking martinis.
23. I'm not good at faking things.
24. I lie about my age sometimes, but that's okay because I really do look younger than I am.
25. When Annie and I were in fourth grade, Cindy Johnson asked me why my twin was prettier than me. I punched Cindy in the face, didn't talk to Annie for a week, and ate six gallons of heavenly hash ice cream.
26. I like big penises.
27. I have a degree in English from an Ivy League university.
28. Someday I am going to write the Great American Novel of my time, like Huckleberry Finn or The Great Gatsby or Bergdorf Blondes.
29. When I'm bored, I love to alphabetize my closet, sorting the clothes, shoes, and bags by label. Chloe before Dior, Lanvin before Michael Kors, and so on.
30. I have never eaten vegetables from a can.
31. I have never lost a competition. I always win at wet t-shirt contests.
32. I once rode in an elevator with Benicio Del Toro. He was DELicious.
33. The only newspaper I read is the New York Times.
34. I survived massive shock and disappointment, and came out stronger and better for the experience.
35. Dean & Deluca is my home away from home.
36. I once slept with somebody whose stepsister is friends with the woman who played Natasha on Sex and the City.
37. My first pet was a parrot named Princess, who would repeat everything I said in a shrill voice. I loved her, but the rest of my family got tired of hearing her shriek "Look at me! Look at me!" all the time, so they made me give her away. I'm still not really over it.
38. I met Mary Kate Olsen in the VIP room of a Greenwich Village club. I asked her for diet tips, but I guess she couldn't hear me over the music because she just looked blankly at me.
39. My daily Starbucks order: venti chai latte, steaming hot with skim milk and a fragrant dusting of cinnamon.
40. My hair is naturally red, but don't ask me to prove it. I plucked out all the carpeting yesterday.
41. In high school, my nickname was "walrus" because I weighed 170 pounds. I was miserable. No one liked me, and looking back, I can't blame them. I don't like fat people either.
42. I don't go to church. The Blue Ribbon is my religious experience.
43. I had liposuction, and it's more than just some item on a list.
44. On a cloudy morning, when I was nine years old, I asked God for a sign that I would be rich and famous when I grew up. I looked in the nearest mirror, saw my adorable face looking back, and smiled knowingly.
45. I'm proud to be a daddy's girl.
46. My boobs are the perfect size: 32D.
47. I refuse to drink alcohol, any kind of alcohol, out of a bottle. I'm just not a Corona and coolers kind of girl.
48. I had the opportunity to cheat on my last boyfriend. I didn't. Okay, I did, but let's face it: cheating in a different borough so doesn't count.
49. I called in sick to work one day because I was up all night googling myself.
50. I keep everything I've ever written - even one-liners or mental notes composed on paper napkins - in a locked safe in my bedroom along with a vial of my college boyfriend's frozen sperm.
51. I love talking on the phone with my sister, trading gossip and stories, comparing our boyfriends. The size of their penises, their bank accounts. Good talks, sis.
52. I'm still waiting for a man to sweep me off my feet.
53. I hate clich├ęs.
54. I've developed a hard, polished exterior to prevent myself from getting hurt. Underneath, though, I'm still the same vulnerable, aching girl that cried herself to sleep when she got the wrong model of BMW for her sixteenth birthday.
55. I talked to Marcia Cross in a Starbucks line once, before she was on Desperate Housewives. Her red hair is almost as gorgeous as mine.
56. I've never been to Vegas, Boston, West Dakota or Brooklyn, but I'm planning to (except Brooklyn).
57. My favorite kind of bread is my own special focaccia recipe, with golden onion, parmesan and rosemary.
58. I once had my picture in the New Yorker. It was taken at a Tony Bennett concert, which was one of the most awe-inspiring experiences of my life. Okay, I was one of about forty fans in the shot, and you could only see the top of my head, but those silky red curls are unmistakable.
59. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I once fell in love on a first date. It was magic. I'm still waiting for him to show up on my doorstep, but if he doesn't, it's probably because he was intimidated by me. Most men are.
60. I love when I'm trying on clothes in front of those three-way mirrors, and all I can see is me.
61. Like my sister, I only eat Greek yogurt.
62. I dreamed of going to law school, then changed my mind. It had nothing to do with me not being smart enough, nothing at all. My gut told me that law would stifle my passion and creativity, and I listened. Now, the only regret I have is that I can't sue those jealous haters on my own.
63. I have never had a haircut that cost less than a hundred dollars.
64. I dated - okay, screwed - an artist in Greenwich Village. He was sweet, gorgeous, sensitive, and cultured. He told me he had his own store, but after I slept with him, he admitted he was living with his parents and doing caricatures for tourists on the street. Obviously, I dumped him. I know that sounds harsh, but a girl in this city has to have standards. Besides, I waited until he'd finished my lifesized portrait, which is now hanging on my living room wall.
65. I think everyone should own at least one "it" bag. I have four: Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Gucci, and of course, the famous Hermes Birkin.
66. Even though everyone covets my body now, I still stress about my weight. A few months ago I found myself inexplicably gaining again, but then Annie moved to LA and I was so crushed that I didn't eat for two weeks and lost twelve pounds. (Thanks Annie, you're the best!)
67. I don't understand how any woman can be seen wearing clothes from the mall, even if she is only middle class. There's just no excuse for that.
68. I can't live without my camera. At the Marc Jacobs store opening last weekend, I shot eighteen full rolls of film. There are no less than thirty-two gorgeous pictures of me smiling over my shoulder, holding a martini glass, with Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal making out in the background, all taken at slightly differing angles to capture me in my best light. I wanted to post them all, but Kiki said something about keeping their relationship under wraps, and of course I respect her wishes.
69. My skin is perfect, like pure cream, with golden freckles floating on the smooth surface.
70. I can't stand people who talk endlessly about themselves.
71. In high school, I loved creative writing class, but hated English, especially when we had to read plays. I could never understand the irony.
72. My role model is Oprah. How can you not look up to a woman who has the courage to put her own face on the cover of every one of her magazines? Some people would call that narcissistic. I call it inspirational.
73. I have a beautiful rosebud.
74. Sometimes I'm referred to as "that self-obsessed, pretentious little skank", but always by people who secretly wish they were me.
75. The last movie I saw was Proof. Yes, I know it's not in theatres yet. It was a special preview for special people, obviously.
76. My sister and I have matching dachshunds, Calvin and Hobbes, and the dogs have matching leashes, one for each day of the week. Burberry, Prada, Dior, Gucci, Louis, Chanel, and Marc on Sundays. Calvin misses Hobbes.
77. I claim to like classic novels like Lolita, but I've never actually read it. I'd rather reread my own blog posts.
78. I once had brunch six tables away from Sean Penn. It was tender crepes with fresh fruit and lingering glances. I licked the whipped cream from my spoon slowly and seductively, and I even caught him checking me out once or twice, but he was obviously too nervous to approach me.
79. I won't date anyone who doesn't have the right connections.
80. Annie had a pet cat, Beauty, that committed suicide by running away from us and climbing onto the top of the garage door while it was opening. If only our legs weren't so plump, we might have gotten there in time to save her.
81. I've loved too many cocks to ever pick a favorite. I do, however, prefer circumsized to uncut. It's just so much cleaner.
82. I'm not afraid of men anymore; they're afraid of me. I don't hesitate to grab a dick by the balls (pun intended) no matter how many of our friends are watching.
83. When I was a little girl, I wore nothing but dresses until age ten, when I became too fat and had to switch to elastic-waist pants.
84. I love ice crystals. I also love cute ski instructors. I licked the post of a chairlift in Park City, Utah once, and my tongue stuck to it, just so one could come and rescue me.
85. Money has never been an object for me.
86. I once had two penises in me at once. I won't tell you where; that would be crass, and I'm anything but.
87. I could spend all summer in the Hamps with my chiclets, relaying gossip and licking homemade ice cream from my slender, newly tanned fingers.
88. Sometimes, when I'm too tired even to masturbate, I let my dog lick my bits, caressing me with hot slobber.
89. When it's cold out, my nipples instantly stand up and poke through my shirt, attracting all men within a ten mile radius.
90. When it's hot out, my hair becomes kinky and wild (but still gorgeous).
91. When I have the flu, my nose drips slightly. Sometimes I cough or sneeze.
92. My photographs of New York hang in every corridor, hall, room and closet of my sister's LA apartment.
93. Avril Lavigne songs move me to the very bottom of my soul. I once played "He Wasn't" on repeat for three straight days.
94. My eyelashes are 0.73 of an inch long.
95. The Little Black Dress is overrated. I like to create my own classics; besides, I look better in white.
96. If I could marry myself, I would.
97. I hate when people say TMI. There's no such thing as too much information, not when you as complex and fascinating as me.
98. I recently photographed a Prada show, and was seated in the front row next to Kristin Davis. She was very quiet, but sweet, and she smiled when I gave her my card.
99. I've taken pictures of many, many celebrities, but I don't like to drop names. It's so unclassy.
100. I don't understand people who can contain their personalities in a mere one hundred things. I could write a thousand facts about myself and still be scratching the surface of my multi-faceted soul.

I'll be adding more to this list soon, but right now, it's time for me to sink into a steaming bath full of Evian and champagne - with my sweet puppy, of course - and wonder why the men in my life never call me back.